Which one of you is pregnant?

Yep. Every girl's worst nightmare. Someone eyeing your waistline and assuming you're pregnant. The disgusting "which one of you is pregnant?" question was asked to my sister and I inside a Scottsdale Maternity store and I about threw up. She's 4 months along and you can't even tell but it didn't stop me from trying to decide if I wanted to throw my Chai Tea Latte at her face or just ignore her and walk out of the store. The fact that I had on a flouncy hippie-ish shirt is also beside the point as far as I'm concerned. Call me crazy but it seems that just when you think you're okay with the mommy body you've "inherited" this is what happens. Never mind how long it's taken you to look in the full length mirror naked. I think being okay with the clothed body is a big milestone all by itself.

And while we're on the subject... I have never gotten so mad at a rack of clothes in my entire life as I did when I felt it was time to see if I fit into my pre-pregnancy outfits. "How in the world did I wear such a short shirt? This thing doesn't even reach my waistline!", I asked Ryan. As I decide to ignore his oh-God-what-is-the-right-thing-to-say-here expression and turn back to the closet I start to realize that I was now literally 2 sizes larger than I was before and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force my size "ehem" pants over my size "eeeeheeem" thighs and rear end. The worst part is accepting the fact that you may NEVER get back into those jeans. Couple that with how much you forked over for those designer jeans and you've got a seriously angry mama on your hands. Maybe Ebay to at least recoup the cost? Doubtful, plus who's got the time? I'm personally holding out for a serious case of mono.

The only good thing about the new but not improved body is that you must go shopping. Unfortunately the act of shopping is not as fun as before. Now you have to acknowledge and become friends with your new size. I started looking around comparing myself to everyone around me. My size post-baby is smaller than that single girl's size, I would think to myself. I've got a leg up on her and should be happy with my body then right? Wrong. All it takes is to see that tall, stick thin mother of 3 in line at Starbucks to make you feel like a lazy troll. Where these mom's find strength (let alone time) to work out and eat right I will never know. I sometimes imagine that these women, these freaks of nature, were actually champion breast feeders and that's how they did it. I did two days of it and inexplicably decided to try to pump, at FULL BLAST. Needless to say the end result was not pretty. It was nightmare, like a scene from Saw if you want the truth, but that's another story altogether. I like to pretend that had I been successful at breastfeeding I'd not only have gone back to my old size, but I would have gotten even thinner. Hey, we can all dream can't we? <\div>

For now though I'll just make due by steering clear of maternity stores. I'm going to enjoy my Dove Chocolate squares and my new True Religion jeans. Tomorrow, however, I'll drive right past that new Dunkin Donuts and make plans to work out. Let's just make that I'll drive right past Dunkin Donuts. Um, how about just one donut. No? Just a munchkin maybe?

Stupid maternity store lady.