I love clever and funny trinkets, doo-dads, thingers and all other useless wastes of money that you find, say, around the checkout counter in Z Gallerie. You know what I'm talking about right? Like the "Safe Baby Handling Tips" on the right. Those purpose-less gag gifts make my day so when I find some that make me laugh out loud AND can actually be used in the house or the office I am double pumped about them. Here's some that I found that I think are hilarious...and some could be especially good ideas for Mother's Day (if the mom in question has a sense of humor of course!):

Kids Art Magnet Inner Voice
Product Description: We all have voices running through our heads commenting on things we dare not say out loud, like how brilliant our infant's hand prints are. Why not attribute these thoughts to your little artistic genius?

http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=2953

I'm As Big As.... Growth Chart
Product Description: I'M AS BIG AS... The yeti? A giant panda sitting down? An average supermodel? The longest recorded moustache? A blue whale's heart? This 6.5 feet high wall mounted height chart has been beautifully researched, designed and produced. Reaches the parts other height charts can't reach!

http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3417

You know those moments when you and your co-workers are saying "No, what do YOU feel like eating today? I dunno, what do YOU feel like?"? It's the most annoying thing ever. Okay, I exaggerate, but still. This takes the wasted time and guess work out of it (and guilt if you happen to be the only one who does not particularly like Mexican food). Plus, it even helps when you're lunchin' it alone and you can't decide for yourself!

What's For Lunch Decision Maker
Description: It's lunch break again and your body is screaming for caffeine, but your stomach insists on some sort of sustenance. Fortunately, you have this handy 8 1/2" spinner device to consult. Just flick the plastic spinner and it will point you towards one of sixteen different lunch options including "3 Martinis", "Teriyaki", and "Vending Machine". Features a stand and hanger so you can prop it on your desk or hang it in your cube.

http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=2305

Hmm... seems like I'm a bit of a fan of http://www.perpetualkid.com/ uh? Well I'm just a fan of everything funny...wait, did I really just say that? What, like there's a group of people who are fans of everything UN-funny? Oh wait, those are called Democrats.

..giggle..

Excuse me, may I pay you in Cheerios?

If you were to grab my purse and look inside you'd probably be disgusted. There's Starbucks receipts everywhere, makeup in one pocket, lip gloss in another, all drowning in a pool of cheerios. I'm not exactly sure when it happened either, which is totally gross. 2 years ago, instead of cheerios, you would have found loose change at the bottomless pit I know call my purse, but it has since been replaced. I should actually be cleaning those cereal bits out of my purse instead of blogging, but the former is a P.I.T.A.. While driving home today I wondered what else has been "replaced"....

Instead of pulling over to get sick after a night of partying,
Now you pull over to find the pacifier that your baby is screaming for.

Instead of calling in sick to work to stay home,
Now you call your spouse to say you're working late

(just for some alone time).

Instead of flying off to Europe for a vacation,
Now you just fly off the handle when that strange kid at the mall play area

almost pushes your baby down a slide

(Whose kid is this? WHOSE kid IS this??).

Instead of packing a sweater in case it's cold in the restaurant you're heading to,
Now you pack snacks, socks, wipes, sippy cup, diapers, blankey, hat, her favorite toy, book, jacket, Desitin...

Instead of hoping to sit AWAY from families with children when dining out,
Now it's all you ask for to avoid sneers and unsympathetic grunts.

Instead of driving care free and too fast,
Now you seem to drive even more dangerous trying to reach for that dropped cup/toy/cookie behind the front seat.

It's funny how drastically everything changes and how things are "replaced" with the arrival of a child. Everyone tells you (or warns you) but you just can't grasp the enormity of the statement until you actually bring a baby home for the first time.

My old ways have definitely been replaced with new (but not necessarily improved) ones to account for the world with Davey. Do I remember with a smile my days as a 21 year old? Sure do. But I remember with even more clarity the first time Davey said DaDa. It's tough going through these first years of parenthood and it seems we've all got our good days and bad. But you know what? I can't imagine life without her. She's the best damn P.I.T.A imaginable.

Instead of thinking about myself all the time
Now I think about that laugh, that smile, that "oh maaaan".

Now that, that's irreplaceable.

Which one of you is pregnant?

Yep. Every girl's worst nightmare. Someone eyeing your waistline and assuming you're pregnant. The disgusting "which one of you is pregnant?" question was asked to my sister and I inside a Scottsdale Maternity store and I about threw up. She's 4 months along and you can't even tell but it didn't stop me from trying to decide if I wanted to throw my Chai Tea Latte at her face or just ignore her and walk out of the store. The fact that I had on a flouncy hippie-ish shirt is also beside the point as far as I'm concerned. Call me crazy but it seems that just when you think you're okay with the mommy body you've "inherited" this is what happens. Never mind how long it's taken you to look in the full length mirror naked. I think being okay with the clothed body is a big milestone all by itself.

And while we're on the subject... I have never gotten so mad at a rack of clothes in my entire life as I did when I felt it was time to see if I fit into my pre-pregnancy outfits. "How in the world did I wear such a short shirt? This thing doesn't even reach my waistline!", I asked Ryan. As I decide to ignore his oh-God-what-is-the-right-thing-to-say-here expression and turn back to the closet I start to realize that I was now literally 2 sizes larger than I was before and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force my size "ehem" pants over my size "eeeeheeem" thighs and rear end. The worst part is accepting the fact that you may NEVER get back into those jeans. Couple that with how much you forked over for those designer jeans and you've got a seriously angry mama on your hands. Maybe Ebay to at least recoup the cost? Doubtful, plus who's got the time? I'm personally holding out for a serious case of mono.

The only good thing about the new but not improved body is that you must go shopping. Unfortunately the act of shopping is not as fun as before. Now you have to acknowledge and become friends with your new size. I started looking around comparing myself to everyone around me. My size post-baby is smaller than that single girl's size, I would think to myself. I've got a leg up on her and should be happy with my body then right? Wrong. All it takes is to see that tall, stick thin mother of 3 in line at Starbucks to make you feel like a lazy troll. Where these mom's find strength (let alone time) to work out and eat right I will never know. I sometimes imagine that these women, these freaks of nature, were actually champion breast feeders and that's how they did it. I did two days of it and inexplicably decided to try to pump, at FULL BLAST. Needless to say the end result was not pretty. It was nightmare, like a scene from Saw if you want the truth, but that's another story altogether. I like to pretend that had I been successful at breastfeeding I'd not only have gone back to my old size, but I would have gotten even thinner. Hey, we can all dream can't we? <\div>

For now though I'll just make due by steering clear of maternity stores. I'm going to enjoy my Dove Chocolate squares and my new True Religion jeans. Tomorrow, however, I'll drive right past that new Dunkin Donuts and make plans to work out. Let's just make that I'll drive right past Dunkin Donuts. Um, how about just one donut. No? Just a munchkin maybe?

Stupid maternity store lady.

Accidental Parenting

It was only 2 days ago that my friend Cazzie and I discussed the fear we had imagining the day we confiscated and said bye-bye to the pacifiers. I for one have grown to love the "paci" and am still in awe of it's amazing ability to "pacify" my child. I mean, I know the product's namesake should make its wonders not so surprising but it IS still surprising to watch a freaked out child relax just because she has a bit of rubber on a ring in her mouth. You couldn't give ME a pacifier to make me calm down (although I'm sure a handful of people wish they could do that to me). I love how becoming a mom turns you into such a hypocrite. I swore up and down I'd do this or not do that. I scoffed at the mere thought of walking my daughter 2 blocks down the street and waiting with her for the bus to arrive. I looked down on parents who let their 3 year olds still keep their pacifiers. I whispered mean things about the parents who let their kids get away with the occasional restaurant scream. I was that girl that gave disapproving glances to the mom's handing over some candy or junk food to their toddler.

It's amazing what happens when the shoe is on the other foot, isn't it? Hopefully I'm not the only one who realized the error of their opinions after mommyhood hit. Hopefully I'm not the only mom that regrets those pre-parent thoughts and comments. I try, now, to do 2 things to make up for my snooty behavior. The first is to make other nearby mom's feel a little less uncomfortable surrounded by the non-mom world. If we stick together we won't even notice the I-have-33-cats nag sneering at our little one. The second is to try to apologize profusely to everyone around me in ear shot (who I sense have no kids at the moment) so that they might remember it later on and not jump on the high horse and swear they can do better. I'm not sure how that last one will prevent disdain, but go with me.

Back to the paci. Two Days ago, literally 3 hours after I hung up from the conversation with Cazzie I returned home with Davey. I had picked her up from KinderCare at 6:15pm that day, way later than usual. They close at 6:30 so I was cutting it a little close. Anyway, at a certain point they herd the kids into one room (instead of their normal age-group room) to wait for their lagging parents. I don't especially like this, because, like that day, she was put into a 3-4 year old room and there were crayons and little teeny odds and ends all at reach of my 21-month old. Naturally when I arrive I have to con her away from the crayon TUB that is utterly fascinating to her. "I can grab two full handfuls of these and no one will care? SWEET!" I imagine her thinking. Because she wasn't in her normal room I wasn't easily able to look in her little cubby for the day's craft and pacifier. I thought to myself "ah well, I'm sure I'll find another paci at home".

Well I sure didn't find another one at home.

So guess who had an impromptu paci goodbye? My poor booboozes. She cried for 30 minutes straight when I put her to bed. Half way thru I went in and just brushed her hair, kissed her head, and whispered "I sorry" over and over again. 15 minutes after I left the 2nd time she was out. I am absolutely certain if I had access to a pacifier I would have given in and gave it to her. I guess I must have stumbled on the only way I could have success... ACCIDENTALLY!

We're going on night number three without the Paci and I'm so pumped we got that out of the way. She's still been mentioning it but we keep telling her "it's all gone..paci is all gone baby". Bottom line is we did it! We didn't set out to do it, but she did it!

Take that Mrs. Snotty-Mom. I told ya my girl was tough.

Ohhhh maaaaan....

Ever since Davanee was born I knew I'd slowly but surely become acquainted with the stars of Noggin, Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. I imagined that I'd change from being annoyed with seeing Dora the Explorer in every toy section to being okay with it being on TV. Little did I realize that not only would I be okay with it on TV, I'd be PUMPED to see it come on. Davey loves Dora and will be content to sit and watch her, even if it's only for 5 minutes at any one time. Those 5 minutes are magical though. I'll be so happy that I can pee by myself that when I return to the living room I'll start singing and try to get Davey even MORE pumped about Dora/Hannah/Mickey/Handy Manny. Then I start feeling like a "bad mom" again for allowing my child to watch television. I can only imagine what the SNOMS would say. That aside, another thing I'm surprised about is I will actually get sucked in to the program...and that makes me feel like a complete moron. While Davey enjoys the dancing and laughing on iCarly I'll be wondering how the current episode dilemma will pan out. That's just sad. The worst, however, is when I don't hear Ryan calling to get my attention because I'm so enthralled with the stars on say, Zack and Cody for example. Good Lord. Really? I thought I was much cooler than that. Guess not.

Zack and Cody sure are cute though.

Speaking of cute...our little Davey Baby started saying "Ohhh maaaan" whenever she drops something. I think it's hysterical every time she does it and for the last couple of days I was perplexed as to where she picked that up (Daycare maybe? no...I don't think so). Then today I told my co-worker Jonathan about the funny new thing Davey is doing and he (who has 3 kids of his own) was like "Chrissie, it's from Dora! It's what the fox says when he doesn't "swipe" something". SWIPER NO SWIPEY!

You'd think I would have realized that. DUH.

Let's hear it for Caz....

Man I love close friends. Especially the kind that feel your pain, know what you're going through and don't offer unwarranted advice. The kind that just listens, really truly listens as you ramble about anything.

Just when I thought I was one of those so-called "bad" mom's for letting my child eat cheetos and watch Hannah Montana I get a 4pm phone call from my sister-mom Cazzie. Her daughter is only 3 months ahead of Davey and we spent 45 minutes laughing hysterically at eachother's stories. We've decided that the moms who look down on us for the laundry list of things we're supposedly doing "wrong" are poop faces and our girls can beat their honor's kids up any day of the week. Really, I mean what is with the this-sounds-like-advice-but-I'm-really-just-telling-you-what-the-right-way-is comment? Is it great that your 2 1/2 year old does chores? Yes. Is it strange in any way that mine doesn't? NO. I sometimes have this vision that these "SNOMS" (snobby moms) go home and tell their husbands "oh David, you should SEE what Chrissie lets Davey get away with. I mean, reallllly!" or "Davanee still has a pacifier, can you believe it?". I'm not going to say I've never caught myself talking about someone else's kid BUT in my own defense it's seriously only when I see a kid that's destroying something and the parent decides not to do something about it (hey blond kid, you, the one standing on top of the lego table and blocking the Disney movie in Barro's kid's area...I'm talking about YOU).

I was happy to find out that Davanee isn't the only kid who decides to scream for attention the second I pick up the phone or that she's not the only one who is suddenly picky and seems to be content living on GoGurt (no matter how you try to convincing her to eat some chicken). Why is it so relieving when you're reminded that you aren't the only one going through these toddler stages (or even life, for that matter) with worry, insecurity or downright fear? Maybe we just feel better knowing someone else is dealing with a temper tantrum like you, a pen-covered knee like you, a macaroni covered floor like you, a nightmare-ish dinner out like you. When we remember that, we can feel instead of being alone, that your friend feels the same pain and is fighting back the same tantrum of their own.

I don't know if this all boils down to the fact that misery loves company or if it's simply summed up by John Lennon's "I get by with a little help from my friends". Or maybe it's something else entirely. Whatever causes what I feel, or whatever it is, is good. It made my day, no make that week.

I love you Caz. mmmm-wuah.

Potty Schmotty

So we bought Davey a Training Potty last week and I thought tonight might be a good time to try it. I did it on a night Ryan was working so he wouldn't question my method/ideas...LOL

So after dinner and a little Sonny With A Chance on Disney I took Davey's diaper off and said "Let's go potty!!!" and I took her to the bathroom so she could see how it's done and then told her to sit on HER potty and go pee-pee. She sat without hesitation, because at this point she just thinks a conveniently placed chair that has a whole in it. I am convinced she knows exactly what I'm asking her to do, but she's just not feeling comfortable letting go while sitting in a chair without a diaper on. After 20 minutes of hanging out in the bathroom and trying to keep her relaxed and get her used to the chair I can see that she needs to go. I tell her to use her potty but she just refuses, instead she wants to close the lid and sit or put her foot inside of the potty. I tried a couple of times to kinda "keep" her sitting there (which she really didn't like) and then I went back out to the living room. We weren't there 2 seconds before she started to pee on the carpet!! I yelped, grabbed her and planted her on the potty. Boy does this girl know how to hold it in!! 2 or 3 drops fell before she clamped shut. Still, I was clapping and telling her how great she was and showed her what I was proud of. Poor thing,... imagine if your mom told you, ok kiddo, you've reached 35 and you must now pee with a diaper on. ICK! It must be the same type of unexpected weirdness! I think I'm going to pick up a potty training book for some tips because obviously it's going to take some serious effort!

Moody Cow here....

Is it me or does it seem like PMS is getting WORSE as I get older?? Or is it after you have a baby?? Whatever it is it bites the weenie Rizzo, with relish.

I preface the 2nd blog of the day with that because maybe, just maybe, that's why a lot of things bugged me lately. I swear, if Mr. Know-it-All at work tells me one more unwarranted, useless story about the origin of golf tees or where the president of XYZ company has a summer home I may have to commit murder. As if that's not annoying enough, I hear that there is actual controversy over the breed of dog Obama chose?? Seriously?? I could give a rats *** what breed of dog Obama has, let alone care enough that it needs to be reported at all!

In fear that I might come across as constantly negative I DO have something positive to share. I picked up two Books on CD yesterday. Both are David Sedaris books, narrated by the author. I've read "Me Talk Pretty One Day" already and decided he was my kinda funny. I'm now listening to "Dress your Family in Corduroy and Denim" and it already had me laughing out loud in the car on the way to work. If you haven't picked up one of his books I definitely suggest you do!

At least David Sedaris can sedate me, if only for 1 stop light....

Today's Mom Complaint

Last night, while out for dinner with my sister and my 21 month old daughter it happened again. The waiter arrives to deliver our dinner and proceeds to place a hot plate with even hotter food on it in front of my 1-almost-2 year old. ARGH!!! Did he ask where he should put that plate? No. Did he apologize when he saw what I was doing? No. Even worse, he had this look...like I was uncooth...like I was a P.I.T.A. for redirecting where it should rest until it cooled down. You don't put a hot plate/hot food/hot whatever in front of a soon-to-be 2 year old. Now, if this were the only time, or even the 2nd time that it has happened I wouldn't even be mentioning it. It really feels like it happens every single time we go out to eat. I'm sure there are some amazingly non-toddler-like 2 year olds that wouldn't dream of touching their plate without the approving nod of their parent, but that's got to be the exception (or so I hope!).